Just about now, you’re hoping it’s YOU who’ll get run over by a reindeer what with the Muzak-mauled carols, the mall-maddened crowds, and the 7-11-icky eggnog.
De rigueur holiday gift: a cocktail guide stocking stuffer for the office party planner.
To put you out of your seasonal misery, Ms. Go Go advises cutting the sugar with a little spice — say, juniper berries taken in the form of gin — and adding a theatrical chaser — or four — with the following So-Not-Taking-the-Season-Seriously shows. You’ll have to move fast; these theatrical events are late-breaking, ending soon, or sure to be sold out.
You’re obviously not the only Grinch in town.
True Tales, Retro Slides, and Astro Weenie Trees
STOP! Before reading on, clickety-clack those computer keys to grab tickets to kitsch historian Charles Phoenix’s just-added, sure-to-be-sold-out Retro Holiday Slide Show this Sunday, December 18th at 3:00 p.m. Gape at the glory of a Kodachrome year in vintage slides that start with politically incorrect Rose Bowl Parade floats and end with a Christmas bondage party.
Sure, you can take notes for your next birthday bash.
LATE BREAKING NEWS! Now that you’ve got Sunday scheduled, cancel your Hump Day lunch and head downtown for True Holiday Tales With Charles Phoenix and Friends, a FREE Grand Performances midday event today, Wednesday, December 14th from noon to 1:00 p.m. Joining the Ambassador of Americana are tellers of true tales such as Ric Salinas (one-third of the comedy group Culture Clash) and Kristina Wong (who tours with her one-woman show Wong Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest while feuding with James Franco). You’d go mano a mano with Franco any time.
And yes, Grand Performances dares you to bring an Astro Weenie Tree.
(TRUE HOLIDAY TALES with Charles Phoenix and Friends — Today! Wed, Dec 14th from noon-1pm/FREE — Grand Performances, California Plaza Watercourt, 350 South Grand, DTLA 213.687.2159, grandperformances.org)
(CHARLES PHOENIX RETRO HOLIDAY SLIDE SHOW – Sun, Dec 18 @ 3pm; $30 – REDCAT Theater, 631 West 2nd St, LA 90012; http://www.redcat.org/event/charles-phoenix-0)
Buk the Season
What better antidote to Xmas than the man who said, “I don’t like jail, they have the wrong kind of bars in there.”
Whether you already love the chronicler of L.A.’s low life or just wanna say Scrooge the season, don’t miss the final performance of Christmas 4 Bukowski this Friday, December 16th at 8:30 p.m. at Zombie Joe’s Underground Theater. Jessica Lynn Verdi serenades with carols as you enter the black box theatre but don’t get your pom-pom panties in a twist; director Josh T. Ryan cuts the cheer with a healthy dose of Bukowski’s cyanide-sharp prose and poetry. By the time you leave the theater, all Xmas sentiment will have been scoured away so you can wade into the holiday fray once more.
Bukowski would definitely approve your post-performance, wading-into-the-fray nightcap.
(CHRISTMAS 4 BUKOWSKI — FINAL PERFORMANCE! Fri, Dec 16th @ 8:30 p.m./$10 — Zombie Joe’s Underground Theatre, 4850 Lankershim Blvd, No Hollywood; 818.202.4120 zombiejoes.homestead.com)
Merry Full Monty and the Little Penguin That Could
The bad boys of Santasia, all alumni of ImprovOlympics, Second City, and ComedySportz, have been gleefully skewering holiday traditions for over a decade — that’s 40 reindeer years to you — with their R-rated mix of original claymation (penguin), film shorts (penguin again), and laugh-’til-you-choke sketches such as an epic get-the-bully snowball brawl and the sleigh ride from hell.
Just in case you’ve been dreaming of a James Cameron-does-White Christmas….
And if you’ve been dragged to one too many performances of The Nutcracker and The Snow Queen, you’ll appreciate the definitely-not-Kringle-approved choreography in musical parodies ranging from Chicago to Fame to The Full Monty.
Nothing says holiday like a scantily clad man wearing a Menorah.
(SANTASIA — through Sat, Dec 24; various days/times; $23 on line/$35 at the door; Rated R — Whitefire Theater, 13500 Ventura Blvd, Sherman Oaks, 91423, for info and tix http://santasia.com/index.htm)